Tuesday, December 12, 2006
{ 7:26 PM }
I've grown to think that I know what I want, that I am who I am, that my future, my career, my life partner, my lifestyle is somewhat fixed. But when I take the time to stop and just think, really think and imagine my future, it scares the hell out of me because it is so uncertain. Everything.
Sometimes, I do feel as if I've 'lost' myself, that I am who everyone wants me to be, expects of me. I don't know what I want, I don't know that feeling of wanting something or someone so badly that I'd do anything and everything to fight for it. I'm going with the flow, just another face in the crowd, something I've been so against my whole life. I want to be the fish fighting against the current. I need someone to counsel me, to listen to me, to be my support and tell me what to do.
I want a life that is mine, one that I do not have to care about anyone else but myself. Selfish as it may sound, I am not ready to carry the weight and responsibility of other people especially if matters of the heart are involved, as if I need another heartbreaker tag along with my name. I want a life that I can make decisions fully according to my own view, no consultations, no permissions, no curfews, no limits. I know what I want, now tell me how do I get there?
I've grown to think that I know what I want, that I am who I am, that my future, my career, my life partner, my lifestyle is somewhat fixed. But when I take the time to stop and just think, really think and imagine my future, it scares the hell out of me because it is so uncertain. Everything.
Sometimes, I do feel as if I've 'lost' myself, that I am who everyone wants me to be, expects of me. I don't know what I want, I don't know that feeling of wanting something or someone so badly that I'd do anything and everything to fight for it. I'm going with the flow, just another face in the crowd, something I've been so against my whole life. I want to be the fish fighting against the current. I need someone to counsel me, to listen to me, to be my support and tell me what to do.
I want a life that is mine, one that I do not have to care about anyone else but myself. Selfish as it may sound, I am not ready to carry the weight and responsibility of other people especially if matters of the heart are involved, as if I need another heartbreaker tag along with my name. I want a life that I can make decisions fully according to my own view, no consultations, no permissions, no curfews, no limits. I know what I want, now tell me how do I get there?
Saturday, December 09, 2006
{ 9:52 AM }
I'm bored crazy and I've only been back four days!
I'm bored crazy and I've only been back four days!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
{ 4:33 AM }
I've said a lot of things, I try to mean everything I say but sometimes my determination just falters. Been very emo lately; I miss home, my friends, my family, my boyfriend.
All this while I've been searching to be emo. My life before this was pleasantly perfect, I was ever the optimist. I had nothing to be angry about, nothing to feel dull and grey about. Now, I am emo like a pot overflowing with chai.
I feel empty and questioning so many things. I know what my emoness stems from. Next time if I ever need to feel emo, I will turn to that thought, that place.
It's a good feeling though, something I haven't felt in a while. A much needed change.
I'm going back tomorrow. I'm eager as a puppy at the window sill.
Full moon tonight. Turning people all weird and mixed up.
I've said a lot of things, I try to mean everything I say but sometimes my determination just falters. Been very emo lately; I miss home, my friends, my family, my boyfriend.
All this while I've been searching to be emo. My life before this was pleasantly perfect, I was ever the optimist. I had nothing to be angry about, nothing to feel dull and grey about. Now, I am emo like a pot overflowing with chai.
I feel empty and questioning so many things. I know what my emoness stems from. Next time if I ever need to feel emo, I will turn to that thought, that place.
It's a good feeling though, something I haven't felt in a while. A much needed change.
I'm going back tomorrow. I'm eager as a puppy at the window sill.
Full moon tonight. Turning people all weird and mixed up.
Monday, December 04, 2006
{ 6:34 AM }
Dear Guilt,
You rob me of my insanity, you bring me sleepless nights. You over work my mind and you bring me nothing but darkness.
Without you, things would be so much easier. I would be able to make my decisions freely. You devour me whole. You're swallowing me up. I find it hard to breathe sometimes, can you give me some space? Everybody needs their space, you know.
Sure, I've hurt a few people that I love so much but nobody's perfect. Sometimes we make selfish decisions not because we want to but because that's the only way to go. If I could live my life without hurting anyone I would truly want to.
You don't seem to go away, like a dead cockroach, persistent as ever. Just go away, please.
I hate making decisions. I think that's why I've grown so whatever. That's because I know how it feels to HAVE to make a decision but also having to think about everyone else at the same time.
Please tell me what I should do. Do I fend for myself or do I think about everyone else?
Do you do this on purpose, the tauting and haunting. I don't have a choice. If I go East I kill a soul, if I go West I kill the other. So where do I stand, what should I do?
If I listen to them, I would be depriving myself of my naturally given right to choose. Sometimes they put me in such a hard position. They don't give me a choice. I want to be strong, who doesn't, but you don't let me.
Just go away. I don't need this, I don't need you. Not this festive season, not ever.
I want to be able to move on from all my mistakes, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes.
I'm not perfect...
Your tortured soul,
Michelle
Dear Guilt,
You rob me of my insanity, you bring me sleepless nights. You over work my mind and you bring me nothing but darkness.
Without you, things would be so much easier. I would be able to make my decisions freely. You devour me whole. You're swallowing me up. I find it hard to breathe sometimes, can you give me some space? Everybody needs their space, you know.
Sure, I've hurt a few people that I love so much but nobody's perfect. Sometimes we make selfish decisions not because we want to but because that's the only way to go. If I could live my life without hurting anyone I would truly want to.
You don't seem to go away, like a dead cockroach, persistent as ever. Just go away, please.
I hate making decisions. I think that's why I've grown so whatever. That's because I know how it feels to HAVE to make a decision but also having to think about everyone else at the same time.
Please tell me what I should do. Do I fend for myself or do I think about everyone else?
Do you do this on purpose, the tauting and haunting. I don't have a choice. If I go East I kill a soul, if I go West I kill the other. So where do I stand, what should I do?
If I listen to them, I would be depriving myself of my naturally given right to choose. Sometimes they put me in such a hard position. They don't give me a choice. I want to be strong, who doesn't, but you don't let me.
Just go away. I don't need this, I don't need you. Not this festive season, not ever.
I want to be able to move on from all my mistakes, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes.
I'm not perfect...
Your tortured soul,
Michelle
Saturday, December 02, 2006
{ 7:57 AM }
This is what you do when you don't want to go home after lectures.
1. You catch an ultra stoopid movie. I highly recommend "Waiting" for it's purely stupid storyline and stupid antics of scrotum morphing. Disgusting in a stupid way.
1. You catch an ultra stoopid movie. I highly recommend "Waiting" for it's purely stupid storyline and stupid antics of scrotum morphing. Disgusting in a stupid way.
And while you're bored out of your wits in an almost empty cinema, you have the option of:
a. wiggling your toes in front of the screen; or
b. throwing food around in the, again, almost empty cinema
And after the movie, when you're walking around the dark empty mall, you can choose to do weird things.
Sorry guys, couldn't help it O=)
On a less homosexual note, the christmas decorations are up. Superfralicagalistiaspialiwonderful!
Note: The pictures of the two seemingly homsexual dudes, they're straight! Just had to make that clear, so no defamation cases will be brought against me. They're STRAIGHT. And also credits to Sam for the pictures.
I'm deprived of my home. 3 more days, dammit. Fast forward already.
Friday, December 01, 2006
{ 8:56 AM }
It's the holy month. And almost the end of the year. I'm going to say my peace to people I have truly hurt and offended.
Mum & Dad - for causing you so much stress. for being the problem maker. for making you worry. for denting your car, mum.
BrandedBiatch - still cannot tahan her. but no choice. just saying my peace. doubt she knows that this is her anyway.
mr. perth - he hates me. understandable. even if i were unforgiven.. i dont know what to say. i STILL feel damn guilty. and i definitely did not play any crazy player game.
X3Liar - i gossip too much about her. feel horrible.. sometimes. again, just saying my peace.
FSY - she went out with my ex, right AFTER me. not a very great move considering the fact that she was my friend. but heh~ get that junk out of the way. that's history
CH2 - didnt click from the start. never even really talked. bad vibes. it's seems neutral now.
Sis - for bringing your clothes to KL. and sometimes being so difficult.
And to everyone else that I seriously cannot remember, I'M SORRY. I HAVE SAID MY PEACE.
I just want to have a great super duper wonderful christmas this year. Free from guilt.
P.S. guess which dummies were so bored on a Friday night that we went to watch a movie without knowing what the movie was about. US, the sillies.
I'm tired, going to save that post for tomorrow.
P.P.S My camera, after a year of inactivity is ALIVE. I finally bought my charger! Thanks Suki <3. I now officially have my lovely red Sony back and working. Lovely.
It's the holy month. And almost the end of the year. I'm going to say my peace to people I have truly hurt and offended.
Mum & Dad - for causing you so much stress. for being the problem maker. for making you worry. for denting your car, mum.
BrandedBiatch - still cannot tahan her. but no choice. just saying my peace. doubt she knows that this is her anyway.
mr. perth - he hates me. understandable. even if i were unforgiven.. i dont know what to say. i STILL feel damn guilty. and i definitely did not play any crazy player game.
X3Liar - i gossip too much about her. feel horrible.. sometimes. again, just saying my peace.
FSY - she went out with my ex, right AFTER me. not a very great move considering the fact that she was my friend. but heh~ get that junk out of the way. that's history
CH2 - didnt click from the start. never even really talked. bad vibes. it's seems neutral now.
Sis - for bringing your clothes to KL. and sometimes being so difficult.
And to everyone else that I seriously cannot remember, I'M SORRY. I HAVE SAID MY PEACE.
I just want to have a great super duper wonderful christmas this year. Free from guilt.
P.S. guess which dummies were so bored on a Friday night that we went to watch a movie without knowing what the movie was about. US, the sillies.
I'm tired, going to save that post for tomorrow.
P.P.S My camera, after a year of inactivity is ALIVE. I finally bought my charger! Thanks Suki <3. I now officially have my lovely red Sony back and working. Lovely.