Thursday, June 28, 2007
{ 9:18 AM }
Dear self,
People say forgive and forget. I've always believe in forgiving, it brings you such liberation and places you in a class above all others, that you've got a big heart. Forgetting, I'm not so much an advocate of . I don't forget, I think remembering the hurt teaches you to be smarter, to not fall for the same trick again.
Forgiving others, it's attainable, not always easy, but attainable non the less. Here's my question. How do you forgive yourself? I've always tried to do things the right way, whatever that is. To do things that might set examples for others, to keep my conscience clear. Then again, I've done so many things wrong. I've constantly reminded myself that I'm only human, it's alright to make mistakes.
But forgivness brings closure, and now I need for you to give me the closure I need, to let me know that I'm good enough for myself. Tell me, where do I start to clear myself of all the things I've done to hurt the people I love, all the disappointment I've caused, all the hearts I've broken. They love me so much, and I can't help but feel so incompetent.
That's all in the past now, tell me how to forgive myself. How is it supposed to feel, when and how will I know that the act is complete? It's spinning a little out of control, I try to just remain sane all my days and take things one step at a time, quite a task knowing that I'm not the most patient person ever.
I don't like hurting the people I love so much, and that's just what I've been doing. How do I forgive, not her, not him or them but, me.
Let me know, when you're ready.
p.s. You really should be sleeping. You've got to be up at 7 tomorrow. Remember how crazy it was for you today.
Good night.
Dear self,
People say forgive and forget. I've always believe in forgiving, it brings you such liberation and places you in a class above all others, that you've got a big heart. Forgetting, I'm not so much an advocate of . I don't forget, I think remembering the hurt teaches you to be smarter, to not fall for the same trick again.
Forgiving others, it's attainable, not always easy, but attainable non the less. Here's my question. How do you forgive yourself? I've always tried to do things the right way, whatever that is. To do things that might set examples for others, to keep my conscience clear. Then again, I've done so many things wrong. I've constantly reminded myself that I'm only human, it's alright to make mistakes.
But forgivness brings closure, and now I need for you to give me the closure I need, to let me know that I'm good enough for myself. Tell me, where do I start to clear myself of all the things I've done to hurt the people I love, all the disappointment I've caused, all the hearts I've broken. They love me so much, and I can't help but feel so incompetent.
That's all in the past now, tell me how to forgive myself. How is it supposed to feel, when and how will I know that the act is complete? It's spinning a little out of control, I try to just remain sane all my days and take things one step at a time, quite a task knowing that I'm not the most patient person ever.
I don't like hurting the people I love so much, and that's just what I've been doing. How do I forgive, not her, not him or them but, me.
Let me know, when you're ready.
p.s. You really should be sleeping. You've got to be up at 7 tomorrow. Remember how crazy it was for you today.
Good night.
Friday, June 22, 2007
{ 11:50 AM }
Selflessness and Honesty.
Two values I know my parents wished for me to have, but two that I can't say 100% for certain I've managed to successfully instill in me; doesn't mean I lack them though.
So, what do you do when a choice has to be made that sees the two clashing?
Would you pick to tell the truth by justifying the fact that the truth will set you free, it is what is needed most in this cold cruel world BUT be known and remembered as a selfish person.
Or would you pick to be selfless,to put others needs and wants before yours, to do, in your opinion, what's best for them BUT lie right to their faces (but for their good, in your opinion, of course)?
Sometimes, the truth does bring closure, it 'sets you free'. But there are times when it just complicates and entangles the web that much more.
So, yes my dear, suck it up, or at least start learning to suck it up. The skies are never always blue, the grass never always green and as my mum used to tell me, the world will never stop spinning for you.
Just something that cropped up in my conversation with Adeline (who's back!) earlier.
Good night.
Selflessness and Honesty.
Two values I know my parents wished for me to have, but two that I can't say 100% for certain I've managed to successfully instill in me; doesn't mean I lack them though.
So, what do you do when a choice has to be made that sees the two clashing?
Would you pick to tell the truth by justifying the fact that the truth will set you free, it is what is needed most in this cold cruel world BUT be known and remembered as a selfish person.
Or would you pick to be selfless,to put others needs and wants before yours, to do, in your opinion, what's best for them BUT lie right to their faces (but for their good, in your opinion, of course)?
Sometimes, the truth does bring closure, it 'sets you free'. But there are times when it just complicates and entangles the web that much more.
So, yes my dear, suck it up, or at least start learning to suck it up. The skies are never always blue, the grass never always green and as my mum used to tell me, the world will never stop spinning for you.
Just something that cropped up in my conversation with Adeline (who's back!) earlier.
Good night.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
{ 12:24 PM }
I rang a few firms up today, hoping I'd get an attachment, somewhere. Anywhere. Something to kill this lazy bone syndrome I'm having.
Results out next week, so I've heard. Good luck everyone. I've been asked a few times now, how I'd figure I'd do. Truth be told, I hope I do good. I'm not the kind who'd usually settle for passes, but law is hell and a pass is to be considered a averaged B in comparison to many greater subjects. I don't want to jinx it just yet. Fingers crossed.
Pictures, because it's 4.24 before the crack of dawn.
Ming's Birthday
Ming, our little hero, celebrated his 9th at the Sheraton Poolside last... xxxday. It was a blast, too bad we had to leave early.
Centrepoint Pool Party
... for four. There's was a pajama/lingerie party after that where 9 other girls showed up. I had to leave right after the swim, cos Mr. Po had a pre-father's day barbeque at his place.
Father's Day Dinner
Randon Sunset
Phew. Good morning!
I rang a few firms up today, hoping I'd get an attachment, somewhere. Anywhere. Something to kill this lazy bone syndrome I'm having.
Results out next week, so I've heard. Good luck everyone. I've been asked a few times now, how I'd figure I'd do. Truth be told, I hope I do good. I'm not the kind who'd usually settle for passes, but law is hell and a pass is to be considered a averaged B in comparison to many greater subjects. I don't want to jinx it just yet. Fingers crossed.
Pictures, because it's 4.24 before the crack of dawn.
Ming's Birthday
Ming, our little hero, celebrated his 9th at the Sheraton Poolside last... xxxday. It was a blast, too bad we had to leave early.
Centrepoint Pool Party
... for four. There's was a pajama/lingerie party after that where 9 other girls showed up. I had to leave right after the swim, cos Mr. Po had a pre-father's day barbeque at his place.
Father's Day Dinner
Randon Sunset
Phew. Good morning!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
{ 10:55 AM }
Sometimes, it takes losing everything to gain it all back.
Sometimes, it takes losing everything to gain it all back.
Monday, June 11, 2007
{ 10:36 AM }
She crawled into bed and stared at him, the man she had loved for so long, sleeping soundly like a baby. She brushed her fingers through his hair, releasing molecules of his shampoo scent. She sat up straight in bed, and after a long mental rewind, played back the hours between 12am and 7am the night before.
The conversations they had, the brutality they threw at each other, in order they played in her mind. It took a toll on her, in a lack of sufficient sleep way.
She snapped back to reality, to now. She looked at him again, his back faced towards her and saw so much, their past, present and future. She stopped. Her mind needed a break, no more thinking.
She lay down beside him, that man, and snuggled up beside him. There's nothing now, the air has been cleared. The only remembrance of pain left from the night before, her swollen cried out eyes and his unclenched fist.
She crawled into bed and stared at him, the man she had loved for so long, sleeping soundly like a baby. She brushed her fingers through his hair, releasing molecules of his shampoo scent. She sat up straight in bed, and after a long mental rewind, played back the hours between 12am and 7am the night before.
The conversations they had, the brutality they threw at each other, in order they played in her mind. It took a toll on her, in a lack of sufficient sleep way.
She snapped back to reality, to now. She looked at him again, his back faced towards her and saw so much, their past, present and future. She stopped. Her mind needed a break, no more thinking.
She lay down beside him, that man, and snuggled up beside him. There's nothing now, the air has been cleared. The only remembrance of pain left from the night before, her swollen cried out eyes and his unclenched fist.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
{ 11:20 AM }
I maybe nice most of the time, but take not my nice-ness as my weakness.
You trample on me, I will run you down with a bull dozer. You yank at my, unlike your peroxide dyed, hair, I will dig your eyes from your sockets and play golf with them. You throw stones at me, I will haul a bloody boulder at you. You scream and yell (for help, guaranteed) I will force my fist down your throat.
I swear, just because you've yet to see my ugly side, does not mean it is non existant.
BACK OFF.
This is not a threat, its a mtfking warning.
I'm in no position to give The Dummies Guide To How NOT To Turn Into A Whore but hell, if you want to sleep with a guy make sure he's chasing you, not you chasing him. Because at the end of the day, you are just being used.
Let me spell it out for you HE IS USING YOU, TRAMP.
I just don't get it. Do they really think they have a shot at this? That the guy will just be mesmerized by the *ahem* beauty, not to mention STDs, and just be so hooked that they can't get enough of them.
I may smile to you the next time I see you, but bear in mind, that everything beneath that smile, is poisonous.
=)
I maybe nice most of the time, but take not my nice-ness as my weakness.
You trample on me, I will run you down with a bull dozer. You yank at my, unlike your peroxide dyed, hair, I will dig your eyes from your sockets and play golf with them. You throw stones at me, I will haul a bloody boulder at you. You scream and yell (for help, guaranteed) I will force my fist down your throat.
I swear, just because you've yet to see my ugly side, does not mean it is non existant.
BACK OFF.
This is not a threat, its a mtfking warning.
I'm in no position to give The Dummies Guide To How NOT To Turn Into A Whore but hell, if you want to sleep with a guy make sure he's chasing you, not you chasing him. Because at the end of the day, you are just being used.
Let me spell it out for you HE IS USING YOU, TRAMP.
I just don't get it. Do they really think they have a shot at this? That the guy will just be mesmerized by the *ahem* beauty, not to mention STDs, and just be so hooked that they can't get enough of them.
I may smile to you the next time I see you, but bear in mind, that everything beneath that smile, is poisonous.
=)
Monday, June 04, 2007
{ 10:18 PM }
For the longest time, I've refrained from talking about my family. What goes on inside, what I've done to them, what they've done to themselves.
People give my this look. When I tell them that my parents are separated, that they sleep in different rooms, that they're on the verge of a divorce, that my cousin left a really painful mark when he left me (us) a few years back, that me and my only sister, the one i expected to stand by my side and understand me the most, chose to give me the silent treatment, that I have disappointed the people who gave me life one too many times because of choices that I believe to be right.
People give me this look... sympathy. I don't need your sympathy, thank you very much. I don't need it around me. Period.
Every family is screwed up in some way, some people coyly smile their way through it as if the surface of the glass ball is smooth. There's a word for that.. in denial.
I love my family, and I am disappointed with myself for once upon a time saying I could ever live without them. No one's is perfect, but you work your way through the imperfections and accomodate each other.
I'm glad. I really am, for the understanding and freedom of growth my parents have given me, for the newly rekindled bond me and my sister have and for the wisdom, strength and endurance my grandparents have shown me.
I think it's very important, appreciation, and I am, fully.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
{ 12:25 PM }
My laptop is back with (almost) all files intact. Great news.
My holiday's been completely and utterly just downright unproductive, which is perfect because that's what holidays are all about right?
Pictures from the Law Ball, because it's 3:53 am and I am at a complete loss for words.
