Friday, October 26, 2007
{ 11:54 AM }
Recent events have forced my back against the wall and have forced me to confront and come face to face with something, the only thing, that I have been running away from for the longest time.
The most difficult thing, aside from watching others you love so dearly get hurt, is to bravely surrender your heart in the trusting hands of someone else. I, as with many, many others I'm sure, have believed so naively in the beauty and magic of falling in love that when it pulls a fast one on you and completely flips you around, you fall so hard, so fast that when you do manage to pick yourself up, if ever, you fence up, bricks, wires, cement, the whole enchilada.
I suppose this is why they say love is blind, not so much referring to the flaws or choice of person we decide to engage with but more so that we, the fall-er, are so stupidly blind to the possibility that something so beautiful could turn out to be so disastrously destructive.
Personally, I thought I was fine, still perfectly capable of meeting someone new, someone ELSE, always being the adventurous, strong and confident one to give it all up again for him, whoever he might be, I just chose not to engage in such frivolous activities.
So when opportunity, my detour road, came knocking, I thought to myself, 'he seems fine, great potential, amazing personality, best of both worlds, don't over analyze, don't over think it, go with the flow'.
I wanted to be brave, to be adventurous and to take the leap. I disappointingly found that I could not, not so much because of the who's I've left behind but for the fact that I know I am so much smarter than this. I'm the sort of girl who should learn from her past mistakes, I am better than this.
After all that's happened, I am not willing to put myself out there to let myself be a victim of something so painful. I felt my thorns and guards growing, as if a natural reaction to poison.
So I ask this, is it possible to move into the future without bringing your past's excess baggage to the present? If so, how and if not, what's next for us?
.
.
.
.
.
In the meantime, I am in a serious, beyond all seriousness, relationship... with my music. I swear it's like a damn cocaine addiction; when I shower, when I study (yeah right, study~), when I sleep. 24/7 Trance, baby.
I love it.
Recent events have forced my back against the wall and have forced me to confront and come face to face with something, the only thing, that I have been running away from for the longest time.
The most difficult thing, aside from watching others you love so dearly get hurt, is to bravely surrender your heart in the trusting hands of someone else. I, as with many, many others I'm sure, have believed so naively in the beauty and magic of falling in love that when it pulls a fast one on you and completely flips you around, you fall so hard, so fast that when you do manage to pick yourself up, if ever, you fence up, bricks, wires, cement, the whole enchilada.
I suppose this is why they say love is blind, not so much referring to the flaws or choice of person we decide to engage with but more so that we, the fall-er, are so stupidly blind to the possibility that something so beautiful could turn out to be so disastrously destructive.
Personally, I thought I was fine, still perfectly capable of meeting someone new, someone ELSE, always being the adventurous, strong and confident one to give it all up again for him, whoever he might be, I just chose not to engage in such frivolous activities.
So when opportunity, my detour road, came knocking, I thought to myself, 'he seems fine, great potential, amazing personality, best of both worlds, don't over analyze, don't over think it, go with the flow'.
I wanted to be brave, to be adventurous and to take the leap. I disappointingly found that I could not, not so much because of the who's I've left behind but for the fact that I know I am so much smarter than this. I'm the sort of girl who should learn from her past mistakes, I am better than this.
After all that's happened, I am not willing to put myself out there to let myself be a victim of something so painful. I felt my thorns and guards growing, as if a natural reaction to poison.
So I ask this, is it possible to move into the future without bringing your past's excess baggage to the present? If so, how and if not, what's next for us?
.
.
.
.
.
In the meantime, I am in a serious, beyond all seriousness, relationship... with my music. I swear it's like a damn cocaine addiction; when I shower, when I study (yeah right, study~), when I sleep. 24/7 Trance, baby.
I love it.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
{ 4:38 PM }
My favourite quote of the day, that most people just won't get because it's personal.
"Hold up, lemme light a cig, you stressin' me out"
Love it.
I scare myself sometimes. I went shopping today and went ballistic at the shoe section.
Work, work, work. It's piling both academic and social work. Whoever told me it was easy to be social secretary? It's not a butterfly-job you know. Thanks for everyone who so generously volunteered to help me out. xoxo
Who wants to take a leap with me? And I don't mean bungee jumping, although that seems to be an intriguing thought. I need a push 'cos I'm such a pussy.
It's been a whirlwind of a day. Tomorrow, please be gentle.
My favourite quote of the day, that most people just won't get because it's personal.
"Hold up, lemme light a cig, you stressin' me out"
Love it.
I scare myself sometimes. I went shopping today and went ballistic at the shoe section.
Work, work, work. It's piling both academic and social work. Whoever told me it was easy to be social secretary? It's not a butterfly-job you know. Thanks for everyone who so generously volunteered to help me out. xoxo
Who wants to take a leap with me? And I don't mean bungee jumping, although that seems to be an intriguing thought. I need a push 'cos I'm such a pussy.
It's been a whirlwind of a day. Tomorrow, please be gentle.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
{ 6:13 AM }
Say hello to your new Social Secretary with the wounded lip.
Thanks everyone who voted for me and to everyone who hugged me on facebook for 'you know why'. Tell you all about that next time.
I feel so loved. =..)
Say hello to your new Social Secretary with the wounded lip.
Thanks everyone who voted for me and to everyone who hugged me on facebook for 'you know why'. Tell you all about that next time.
I feel so loved. =..)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
{ 2:03 AM }
On board the train, some time ago, I had a conversation with a friend. Like all conversations, it flitted from one subject to another.
S1: So, S2 has a tattoo on her back yeah? What is it?
Me: Yeah she does. She got it done for her 21st birthday, some artsy fartsy drawing.
S1: It's so common now for girls to get tattoos. Back home, almost ALL the girls have tattoos, especially on their backs. It's becoming such a norm now.
Me: (at this point I just couldn't stop grinning) Is it really a bad thing? Girls with tattoos.
S1: No, not really. But it's just that it's everywhere. You'll have it for life, until you grow old. So many of them have butterflies and things like that. What's the significance?
Me: (laughing hysterically) You have a lot of friends with butterfly tattoos on their back?!
S1: Yeah, quite a few. What's so funny?
At this point, I just had to tell him lah that I was just like every other girl he knew. Classic example. Girl with the butterfly on her back.
My justification for the butterfly was that it was suppose to symbolise a metamorphosis, from the little green caterpillar to a beautiful winged creature. A new stage, a new beautiful year in my life when I got it back in '02. I don't remember much from that year but it was definitely the year that a lot of people that matter to me now, became a part of my life.
On the other hand, it was to symbolise the lightness and freedom of the butterfly too. For the lameness of my justifications, there's always "it just looks good la!".
I'm not just any girl with the butterfly on her back, am I?
On board the train, some time ago, I had a conversation with a friend. Like all conversations, it flitted from one subject to another.
S1: So, S2 has a tattoo on her back yeah? What is it?
Me: Yeah she does. She got it done for her 21st birthday, some artsy fartsy drawing.
S1: It's so common now for girls to get tattoos. Back home, almost ALL the girls have tattoos, especially on their backs. It's becoming such a norm now.
Me: (at this point I just couldn't stop grinning) Is it really a bad thing? Girls with tattoos.
S1: No, not really. But it's just that it's everywhere. You'll have it for life, until you grow old. So many of them have butterflies and things like that. What's the significance?
Me: (laughing hysterically) You have a lot of friends with butterfly tattoos on their back?!
S1: Yeah, quite a few. What's so funny?
At this point, I just had to tell him lah that I was just like every other girl he knew. Classic example. Girl with the butterfly on her back.
My justification for the butterfly was that it was suppose to symbolise a metamorphosis, from the little green caterpillar to a beautiful winged creature. A new stage, a new beautiful year in my life when I got it back in '02. I don't remember much from that year but it was definitely the year that a lot of people that matter to me now, became a part of my life.
On the other hand, it was to symbolise the lightness and freedom of the butterfly too. For the lameness of my justifications, there's always "it just looks good la!".
I'm not just any girl with the butterfly on her back, am I?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
{ 12:00 PM }
Call it a hint of sour grape syndrome if you like but I'm pretty glad I'm not in a relationship right now. I've never gotten used to the idea of writing (for all to see) about my relationships with other people, they hit too close to the heart, and I don't intend to. But I can say for certain, on behalf of many people who know my dramatic, cyclical love story, that they are happy for me just the way I am now, their support of which I am extremely grateful for. Especially my mother.
She's right. I'm happy I don't have the commitment issues, the stress of having to balance studies, personal life, boyfriend and friends all at the same time, the guilt for not calling or text-ing when required, the burden of someone else's emotion on you, the moments where I wish I could forgo talking to my significant other for a night of fun. I'm glad, but then again, call it sour grapes if you wish.
Call it a hint of sour grape syndrome if you like but I'm pretty glad I'm not in a relationship right now. I've never gotten used to the idea of writing (for all to see) about my relationships with other people, they hit too close to the heart, and I don't intend to. But I can say for certain, on behalf of many people who know my dramatic, cyclical love story, that they are happy for me just the way I am now, their support of which I am extremely grateful for. Especially my mother.
"Chelle ah, don't get a boyfriend until after you graduate. Concentrate on your studies first, women nowadays don't get married young, you have plenty of time."
She's right. I'm happy I don't have the commitment issues, the stress of having to balance studies, personal life, boyfriend and friends all at the same time, the guilt for not calling or text-ing when required, the burden of someone else's emotion on you, the moments where I wish I could forgo talking to my significant other for a night of fun. I'm glad, but then again, call it sour grapes if you wish.
Monday, October 15, 2007
{ 4:24 PM }
For the first time in 4 weeks, I seriously feel homesick. The very surprising cause of this irritating, heart tugging feeling - Hui. Thank you for reminding me of the great things I've left behind but no thanks for driving me close to tears.
It's been a month. I miss you daddy, mummy, sis and all great things left behind.
For the first time in 4 weeks, I seriously feel homesick. The very surprising cause of this irritating, heart tugging feeling - Hui. Thank you for reminding me of the great things I've left behind but no thanks for driving me close to tears.
It's been a month. I miss you daddy, mummy, sis and all great things left behind.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
{ 6:33 PM }
Earlier at 8, I could barely hold my head up over the dinner table, which by the way was way past satisfactory. Thanks, Singaporean! I was desperate for a bed to lie down and rest my half closed eyes. It's now half past 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake.
What better way to pass time than to create a new layout, and of course a quick poker session at Desmond's. So here I am, hoping to snap into sleep mode whilst attempting to post. For my lack of words tonight, I make up with pictures!
Shuv's Post Birthday Bash
Desmond's Pre Birthday Bash
Random Sunday Pictures
By the way, I cannot ride a bike even if my life depended on it. Hence the pouty "I can't ride a bike" look.
Good Night!
Earlier at 8, I could barely hold my head up over the dinner table, which by the way was way past satisfactory. Thanks, Singaporean! I was desperate for a bed to lie down and rest my half closed eyes. It's now half past 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake.
What better way to pass time than to create a new layout, and of course a quick poker session at Desmond's. So here I am, hoping to snap into sleep mode whilst attempting to post. For my lack of words tonight, I make up with pictures!
Shuv's Post Birthday Bash
Desmond's Pre Birthday Bash
Random Sunday Pictures
By the way, I cannot ride a bike even if my life depended on it. Hence the pouty "I can't ride a bike" look.
Good Night!
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
{ 10:39 AM }
You've been the dearest, most precious to me. Your hugs brighten my days, your kind words make me feel loved. My, how you've grown and not just physically. Today is your special day. Let nothing ruin it, except the pouring weather today that we're unable to control, let it not dampen your spirits. I love you for you've been the most genuine with me, you've been my secondary support. Past all the boy drama and bitch fights, you've been on my side.
Dear Shuv, for being the bestest friend of all, MY bestest friend of all, you have my loyalty, my trust and my support especially now that you're (scarily) a full fledged adult.
That said,
See you this weekend.
You've been the dearest, most precious to me. Your hugs brighten my days, your kind words make me feel loved. My, how you've grown and not just physically. Today is your special day. Let nothing ruin it, except the pouring weather today that we're unable to control, let it not dampen your spirits. I love you for you've been the most genuine with me, you've been my secondary support. Past all the boy drama and bitch fights, you've been on my side.
Dear Shuv, for being the bestest friend of all, MY bestest friend of all, you have my loyalty, my trust and my support especially now that you're (scarily) a full fledged adult.
That said,
HAPPY 2 1st BIRTHDAY
See you this weekend.
{ 7:47 AM }
For the first time, I actually feel the ship leaving the port. So as I prepare myself to wave goodbye to all the sorrows and misery it's carrying, I can't help but feel a sense of great, unbearable loss.
Sometimes, as miserable and difficult it was to live side by side with something that caused you so much pain, it feels worse living without it.
This is goodbye, maybe one day I'll be brave enough to buy a one way ticket for the travel experience that'll last a life time, just one would be more than enough.
So, thank you for saving me countless times from drowning, when my knees were too weak and I was lost at sea. For being so solid to withstand crashing waves, for showing me that there's so much more at the horizon, for being my salvation, my 'time out' from the real world. Thank you for showing me that I should take the plunge sometimes and that the compass direction is never necessarily always right.
Thank you especially, for the wonderful journey, your silent companionship and for bringing me back to shore.
Till we meet again.
For the first time, I actually feel the ship leaving the port. So as I prepare myself to wave goodbye to all the sorrows and misery it's carrying, I can't help but feel a sense of great, unbearable loss.
Sometimes, as miserable and difficult it was to live side by side with something that caused you so much pain, it feels worse living without it.
This is goodbye, maybe one day I'll be brave enough to buy a one way ticket for the travel experience that'll last a life time, just one would be more than enough.
So, thank you for saving me countless times from drowning, when my knees were too weak and I was lost at sea. For being so solid to withstand crashing waves, for showing me that there's so much more at the horizon, for being my salvation, my 'time out' from the real world. Thank you for showing me that I should take the plunge sometimes and that the compass direction is never necessarily always right.
Thank you especially, for the wonderful journey, your silent companionship and for bringing me back to shore.
Till we meet again.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
{ 7:11 AM }
(click to enlarge)
A bunch of us made a trip to Revolution, this pub/club, for a night off. It was a night much needed by many and a night I made a new friend, alcohol. It really doesn't taste as bad as I've always believed it to be.
It was a night of good fun, before classes officially kick off on Monday. It was a night, when after the alcohol kicked in, a debate about following your head or your heart started to conjure up in my mind. The Hollywood answer would be to follow your heart, but who really does that? Giving up every important thing in life to follow your heart, my practical side is yelling at me to stop being the idealist that I am.
Aside from that Reading has been awesome, my old friends are here. Yes, they've officially passed into the category of 'old friends', seeing how we've already started to meet new ones. I love their company, knowing that my shoulders to cry on are a few floors down and another, a block away.
As much as I love their company, I've loved my alone times too. The companionship of my iPod has been such a soul soother. Eyes closed, music throbbing through my headphones, I get sucked into it all. As loud as the music streams, I fall asleep because with my music my mind stops ticking, that's my cure to my restless mind.
(click to enlarge)
A bunch of us made a trip to Revolution, this pub/club, for a night off. It was a night much needed by many and a night I made a new friend, alcohol. It really doesn't taste as bad as I've always believed it to be.
It was a night of good fun, before classes officially kick off on Monday. It was a night, when after the alcohol kicked in, a debate about following your head or your heart started to conjure up in my mind. The Hollywood answer would be to follow your heart, but who really does that? Giving up every important thing in life to follow your heart, my practical side is yelling at me to stop being the idealist that I am.
Aside from that Reading has been awesome, my old friends are here. Yes, they've officially passed into the category of 'old friends', seeing how we've already started to meet new ones. I love their company, knowing that my shoulders to cry on are a few floors down and another, a block away.
As much as I love their company, I've loved my alone times too. The companionship of my iPod has been such a soul soother. Eyes closed, music throbbing through my headphones, I get sucked into it all. As loud as the music streams, I fall asleep because with my music my mind stops ticking, that's my cure to my restless mind.