Friday, February 29, 2008
{ 8:53 AM }
Everything's died down, no more drama practices, no more vocals, no more birthday parties, no more poker, no more alcohol, no more everything.
Everyone's cooped up in their rooms, focus, focus, focus. Assessed work due, writing credit due, exams in less than two months, convocation in less than four.
Looking through all my pictures, I know I will miss all of you. When all this ends, when real, tangible reality sets in, adulthood they call it, I will miss all of you. I absorb myself so much to the extent that I get scared. What if we lose touch, what if I hate adulthood, what if what if what if.
Tell me you will all still be here.
Everything's died down, no more drama practices, no more vocals, no more birthday parties, no more poker, no more alcohol, no more everything.
Everyone's cooped up in their rooms, focus, focus, focus. Assessed work due, writing credit due, exams in less than two months, convocation in less than four.
Looking through all my pictures, I know I will miss all of you. When all this ends, when real, tangible reality sets in, adulthood they call it, I will miss all of you. I absorb myself so much to the extent that I get scared. What if we lose touch, what if I hate adulthood, what if what if what if.
Tell me you will all still be here.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
{ 11:11 PM }
It's 6:34 in the morning. The after effects of, embarrassingly not too many shots of, tequilla, chivas and smirnoff have gone and I am feeling so shit.
But I am sober, I can walk straight (promise) and I know for sure that 7 x 4 is not 26. The icy cold chills have gone, the head thumping has disappeared. All that's left are flashing scenes in my mind, pictures and videos that I hope do not go up on facebook and youtube and lots and lots and lots of love.
I woke up today and thank God for, for lack of a better word, my indescribably wonderful friends. For all that they have done, for causing me to run black tears, for semi-finishing the drinks (10 bottles in total, not too bad) and for showing me so much love.
I've yet to turn 21 but if last night was my break through to official adulthood, then I know that I will have so much to look forward too. It was a beautiful beginning.
Thank you everyone for the presents and presence but most importantly, thank you, really, for making me feel especially loved.
I will fucking miss you all when this crazy road trip is over in 3-4 months!
But I am sober, I can walk straight (promise) and I know for sure that 7 x 4 is not 26. The icy cold chills have gone, the head thumping has disappeared. All that's left are flashing scenes in my mind, pictures and videos that I hope do not go up on facebook and youtube and lots and lots and lots of love.
I woke up today and thank God for, for lack of a better word, my indescribably wonderful friends. For all that they have done, for causing me to run black tears, for semi-finishing the drinks (10 bottles in total, not too bad) and for showing me so much love.
I've yet to turn 21 but if last night was my break through to official adulthood, then I know that I will have so much to look forward too. It was a beautiful beginning.
Thank you everyone for the presents and presence but most importantly, thank you, really, for making me feel especially loved.
I will fucking miss you all when this crazy road trip is over in 3-4 months!
Think where man's glory most begins and ends, And say my glory was I had such friends."
-William Yeats
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
{ 1:28 PM }
If I don't stand up for myself, tell ME, who will. I don't have the courage to accept change but I will keep searching for it. I had no intention of throwing cruel words at you, but I did it for ME.
Until you tell ME you still need ME to be a part of this, until I can see that you need ME - I am out.
I'm doing all this for MYself because I will not let you play puppet master or push ME around. I am doing this because I need to do it to retain MY sanity. I am doing this because I know, though I may lack the strength to face change, I can initiate change.
If I don't stand up for myself, tell ME, who will. I don't have the courage to accept change but I will keep searching for it. I had no intention of throwing cruel words at you, but I did it for ME.
Until you tell ME you still need ME to be a part of this, until I can see that you need ME - I am out.
I'm doing all this for MYself because I will not let you play puppet master or push ME around. I am doing this because I need to do it to retain MY sanity. I am doing this because I know, though I may lack the strength to face change, I can initiate change.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
{ 4:43 AM }
Control - something we need to sustain some sanity in this beautiful life. Somethings you just lose control over and you stop yourself to think whether what has happened could have been changed or is it just an inevitable course of nature.
Valentine's day just passed. I don't really have a comment on it, except that my valentine's day this year didn't concern roses, chocolates or for the lucky few of my friends, turquoise Tiff&Co boxes. But it was lovely none the less.
Work has been mad. The piles just do not stop, finish one thing, restart cycle.
It's Saturday, I've just woken up, I don't feel like doing work (but I really should) and I'm being so so so random.
Thanks for the love. =D
Thursday, February 07, 2008
{ 6:06 AM }
Instead of pick me up Chinese New Year songs, this year I am completely submerging myself in a pool of Dashboard Confessional, on replay... over and over, again and again. Yeap, things really are different this year. After this post, I will never ever be ranting bout how Chinese New Year away from home is the pits. I disallow myself to do so!
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!
Instead of pick me up Chinese New Year songs, this year I am completely submerging myself in a pool of Dashboard Confessional, on replay... over and over, again and again. Yeap, things really are different this year. After this post, I will never ever be ranting bout how Chinese New Year away from home is the pits. I disallow myself to do so!
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
{ 7:31 AM }
We'd set off the long trail of firecrackers. The crackling so deafening and the smoke absolutely intoxicating, but we'd set it off anyway just before dinner, on the eve of Chinese New Year. With the decorations up and the dinner table set, we'd feast on all things heavenly. Lion dances by the truck loads, we'd welcome, not one, not two but a record breaking seven. To chase away the spirits as tradition requests of us, but at the same time, to entertain guests who've poured in to my grandfather's open house.
This year, I sit in my room, close to tears and missing my family so much, reminiscing about my Chinese New Year last year as, conincidently ,my iTunes plays Michale Buble's Home. I didn't think it get to me this badly but it did. Today I write from a different perspective. Not one of joy and unconcelable excitement as I did previous years, but of great loneliness and emptiness.
As beautifully blue the sky is, I miss the red, all of it, blinding or not. My first Chinese New Year away from home. FIRST AND LAST.
Happy Chinese New Year.
We'd set off the long trail of firecrackers. The crackling so deafening and the smoke absolutely intoxicating, but we'd set it off anyway just before dinner, on the eve of Chinese New Year. With the decorations up and the dinner table set, we'd feast on all things heavenly. Lion dances by the truck loads, we'd welcome, not one, not two but a record breaking seven. To chase away the spirits as tradition requests of us, but at the same time, to entertain guests who've poured in to my grandfather's open house.
This year, I sit in my room, close to tears and missing my family so much, reminiscing about my Chinese New Year last year as, conincidently ,my iTunes plays Michale Buble's Home. I didn't think it get to me this badly but it did. Today I write from a different perspective. Not one of joy and unconcelable excitement as I did previous years, but of great loneliness and emptiness.
As beautifully blue the sky is, I miss the red, all of it, blinding or not. My first Chinese New Year away from home. FIRST AND LAST.
Happy Chinese New Year.