in search of EdeN

Saturday, December 13, 2008 { 12:42 AM }

I picked up a very disgusting habit recently that costs $3.10 a pack. I've made new friends with 20sticks of minty-first-disgusting-after cigarettes. It's quite disgusting but I guess I can see how people can get hooked on it, it's not hard. Unlike downing JD and whiskey the taste just clogs your throat (my point of view). Smoking (yes, I said it out loud) is not at all hard to do, I've been experimenting with it too, the difference between inhaling and not inhaling smoke, twirling the cigarette stick in my hand, switching hands etc etc. Yep, this is what my life has come down to, talking about cigarettes.

I'm not hooked, or so I think but I don't see/feel the damage that it's doing to me.

***

It's better to have loved once, than to have never loved at all. I broke up with my boyfriend (now ex) of (on and off) of 6 years, since 2002. There's this void, an empty space in my life now that needs to quickly be filled up before the loneliness and pain makes a permanent stay in my life.

Those who know my story find this to be such a bore, but it is a problem that I'm acknowledging. It's hard to let go, I find it hard to let go. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know who I'm going to end up with and I don't know if this is the last you'll hear about 'us'. But now, I'm just going to inhale all my freedom and liberty to do as I please and to make full use of it.

I'm not going to deny that it hurts and that I cry over it and that sometimes it is better to pretend that everything's peachy when the pain in this heart starts to suffocate me. This is me taking the bull by it's horns, taking charge of my life and livin' it up.

Wish me luck. =)

***

It's the weekend me and the girls will be heading up to Angel Beach tonight. It's going to be a good night of new experiences for me. This feels good and I hope it stays that way.

Tonight I'm hoping to have the guts to drink my sorrows away and fall ridiculously drunk, although I am designated driver but we'll work it out. I feel like such a late bloomer in all things my parents would murder me for, but better late than never. This feels really good.