Saturday, December 13, 2008
{ 12:42 AM }
I picked up a very disgusting habit recently that costs $3.10 a pack. I've made new friends with 20sticks of minty-first-disgusting-after cigarettes. It's quite disgusting but I guess I can see how people can get hooked on it, it's not hard. Unlike downing JD and whiskey the taste just clogs your throat (my point of view). Smoking (yes, I said it out loud) is not at all hard to do, I've been experimenting with it too, the difference between inhaling and not inhaling smoke, twirling the cigarette stick in my hand, switching hands etc etc. Yep, this is what my life has come down to, talking about cigarettes.
I'm not hooked, or so I think but I don't see/feel the damage that it's doing to me.
***
It's better to have loved once, than to have never loved at all. I broke up with my boyfriend (now ex) of (on and off) of 6 years, since 2002. There's this void, an empty space in my life now that needs to quickly be filled up before the loneliness and pain makes a permanent stay in my life.
Those who know my story find this to be such a bore, but it is a problem that I'm acknowledging. It's hard to let go, I find it hard to let go. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know who I'm going to end up with and I don't know if this is the last you'll hear about 'us'. But now, I'm just going to inhale all my freedom and liberty to do as I please and to make full use of it.
I'm not going to deny that it hurts and that I cry over it and that sometimes it is better to pretend that everything's peachy when the pain in this heart starts to suffocate me. This is me taking the bull by it's horns, taking charge of my life and livin' it up.
Wish me luck. =)
***
It's the weekend me and the girls will be heading up to Angel Beach tonight. It's going to be a good night of new experiences for me. This feels good and I hope it stays that way.
Tonight I'm hoping to have the guts to drink my sorrows away and fall ridiculously drunk, although I am designated driver but we'll work it out. I feel like such a late bloomer in all things my parents would murder me for, but better late than never. This feels really good.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
{ 9:14 AM }
December is just around the bend. And it's times like this when I ask, "Where did time go?"
It's the same for case of fear and anxiety for me every year end, when I look forward to welcoming the new, hopeful year with doubtful promises. If I were to ask myself what's improved for me this year, I'd say quite a lot and yet some things that should have improved still remain stagnant.
As I ready myself to grow another year older, I still hold great hope that I might find a solution, if not salvation from this long term disease. There are red reminder strings on my fingers to not grow uptight, firm and stern because my work environment can so do that to you, and to remmeber to have fun and have minute doses of craziness.
I've thought of closing this down because my life has become so private and secluded, only to be shared amongst the (very few) people I truly love and care about. Then again I've realised that from the way I've been writing, vague and undescriptive with just a hint of triggering reminders, this virtual place, is a solution to my laziness in keeping a written journal.
Typing works so much faster, and my thoughts tend to be more tangible before disappearing off so quickly. It's just a place for me to read, re-read and remember my life, maybe not now but when I'm older.
I'm guessing there's an option where I can choose not to publish what I write but I've yet to discover it.
I'm awfully out of touch with a few people that I know I need to be in touch with and have been trying to reach me, I apologise for that. I will make a greater effort.
I realise that I'm a pretty bad story teller, and I sometimes say things with no point at end. But that's how this whole charade is, you play along with this game, go with the flow and there may never even be a point to it all. It's the journey, I keep telling myself that. Funny.
Again, no point to this post.
Monday, October 27, 2008
{ 7:52 PM }
He'd stick with her through thick and thin. She knows he would.
He'd let her win all petty arguments.
He'd tolerate her inner blonde.
He'd stroke her dark long hair.
He'd laugh at all her silly jokes.
He thought she always looked perfect.
He'd make her skin tingle.
He'd buy her flowers when the occasion calls for it.
He'd buy her flowers for no apparent reason.
He'd wait even if she took ages to get ready.
He will wait.
And yet she chooses to break him.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
{ 7:13 PM }
You know when inspiration hits you it, like bad things, bursts through in flood like waters, over consuming and over possessing you.
Today this music hits home, every note floods my brain with ideas, light bulbs start going on and this heavy sense of urgency descends.
It takes guts to follow your dreams and when I was almost sucked into the monotonous, mundane cycle of work. Something hit me and it hit hard.
So at the crossroads, what do I do? The music is still playing so nostalgically, so filled with depth and passion.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
{ 11:25 PM }
I have this urge to write and type frantically but, like my life, I AM STUCK.
I AM STUCK IN A BIG, FAT, NEVER-ENDING RUT.
The words just don't come out right, my vocabulary turns nano on me and the music just plays uninspiringly through the headphones.
Will try again tomorrow, and the day after that.
Throw me a life-saver, someone.
Help.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
{ 3:39 AM }
Before I left to work this morning, I clicked on the magic-8 ball widget I have on my desktop, asking if I'd had a good work day today. The definition of a good work day in my book, is where I get an
almost perfect draft back (NB. no such thing as a perfect draft), I organise my files and keep track of what needs to be reviewed and have just enough time for a game or two of minesweeper.
Magic-8 Ball prediction: ''You can count on it''.
And I think I had a relatively good day at work despite knocking off an hour after normal office hours.
I love my job. It is the only thing I can talk about now, seeing how I have a very minimal social life. Told you I'm a slave to my work. The only me-time I have comprises of my drive to work, my drive out to and from lunch, my drive home from work and the 15minutes before I go to bed.
I think it's important not to let reality get to us so much. It's a harsh, hard world, especially in the legal field, and it'll be all to easy to get sucked into it and be a monotonous, lifeless cog in the work wheel. During my morning drive out, I relax and think about what's important to me and that there's real beauty to life.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
{ 7:30 AM }
It's been 4 weeks since I've started work now. And as much as I like working and being busy, I can't help but feel that my everyday work life (thus far) is reminiscent of 'The Devil Wears Prada' in many ways. My lady boss is SO similar to Miranda Priestly that it really is quite scary.
I am a slave to my work, I love it and yet I can't help but be scared by it. The she-devil is demanding, impatient and a perfectionist, much to our detriment. She needs papers to be in immaculate condition, not ink blotches, no folded edges, no untidy chops, no unnecessary post it reminders. Upon submissions, documents have to be arranged in order, neatly paper clipped (sometimes stapled, depending on what documents) and placed in a neat pile on her desk. She signs with a particular black pen, that HAS to be available at your table at ALL times. When she calls, you RUN, don't take you sweet time walking.. RUN like your job depended on it. Red ink can only be used to write bill numbers. Always remember to change the footer for ease of reference. Never be late for work, and if you have to call to inform the staff. Triple/Quadruple check your work before submitting. Big paper clips should be separated from the small ones. No iPods (or at least don't let her see you using one) and no gum. Remember to keep tabs on ALL your personal files, do not leave them rusty and dusty on shelves.
I can go on forever...
Despite all these minor scratches, she really is very sharp when it comes to checking drafts, spotting the missing semi colon or the uneven spacing between paragraphs. She is amazing at her work and I am truly in awe of her capabilities, of which I have heard so much about and personally gotten to see first hand.
People say that you learn from the strict and the tough. I just hope I'll be able to hold out, just like Andie Sachs did, before I suffer from overburn.
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my jobThree weeks ago, I said this with great enthusiasm and excitement, now I chant this as much as I can to
tell myself that I love my job.